I tweeted a comment about vampires being more frightening than zombies. I can't remember exactly how it went. It was something like, "Sure, zombies are kind of scary but they've got nothing on my vampire." It was intended to be whimsical, perhaps just a reason to hashtag zombies and vampires in the same tweet. Like many of the silly things that pop into my head, it got me thinking. I'm not just talking about casually tossing the idea around either. I'm talking about incessantly mulling the concept over in my head. I do that sometimes, put a whole bunch of thought into something that doesn't have a ton of value. Anyway, at the end of the day vampires are way more frightening than zombies.
I realize that zombies are wildly popular right now as people prepare for the zombie apocalypse when the dead rise from their graves and stumble about like a bunch of drunk, homeless people looking for brains to eat so the idea that anything is more frightening than a walking corpse may draw some disagreement. Holy sentence batman! That was a long one. Anyway, I have good reasons to carry this opinion. First of all, zombies are dumb. They are far to easy to trick. Sure, if they get their hands on you a whole throng of them will eat your brains, rip your limbs off, and probably pull your intestines out. However, with some well applied make-up, a bit of a fake limp, and some awkward moaning you can totally blend in and completely avoid the carnage. You won't pull that crap with a vampire. They can smell the blood pumping through your veins, teasing them like a flash of thigh through the slit of a skirt. Second, they are slow. And don't give me that nonsense about those fake zombies in the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" that were sprinting everywhere like they were a whole pack of Usain Bolts. Everybody knows that real zombies don't get anywhere quickly. Even though they travel in packs of thousands upon thousands, the make-up, limping, and awkward moaning will get you to the clearing. After that a quick sprint will have you out of harm's way. Again, try to pull that crap with a vampire. You can't move fast enough. Not even if you are Usain Bolt.
Okay, up to this point we've covered dumb and slow. Those two things alone bury zombies right back in their waiting graves when comparing them with vampires, and I'm not even done. This one is completely obvious. You can totally see a zombie, or several zombies coming. They don't surprise you. They lumber up like a big, slow, lumbering, decaying dead thing and try to gnaw on you. You can literally see them coming from blocks and blocks away. Unless you're staring at your phone, then you're screwed. However, if you are even moderately aware of your surroundings, you can totally avoid any contact with the undead at all. You don't see vampires coming. You don't see a vampire until they want you to see them and at that point, you're already as good as dead - or undead if they turn you instead of completely consuming you. Like big cats vampires are hunters. They stalk their prey, even toy with it, for hours, days, sometimes weeks even before they make the kill. The helpless victims don't stand a chance. And don't even get me started on the seduction part of it. Zombies are ugly and grotesque. You know by looking at them that you don't want them near you. Vampires on the other hand are sexy and seductive. By the time they are ready to sink their fangs into your delicious pulse, you want them to suck on your neck. Now that is unbelievably scary!
Finally, I'll end my rant with this last point. Blunt force trauma to the head can kill a zombie. They are far too easy to kill. Even if you're half a chickenshit, you probably have enough balls to kill yourself some zombies. You'll need balls at least the size of that big ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas if you're thinking about trying to take out a vampire. On top of those giant balls that are really going to slow you down, you're going to need a whole slew of equipment, knowledge of where the bloodsucker hangs his cape, a really, really good plan, and a whole lot of luck. Even with all of that, you're probably going to be sucked dry.
I realize that zombies are wildly popular right now as people prepare for the zombie apocalypse when the dead rise from their graves and stumble about like a bunch of drunk, homeless people looking for brains to eat so the idea that anything is more frightening than a walking corpse may draw some disagreement. Holy sentence batman! That was a long one. Anyway, I have good reasons to carry this opinion. First of all, zombies are dumb. They are far to easy to trick. Sure, if they get their hands on you a whole throng of them will eat your brains, rip your limbs off, and probably pull your intestines out. However, with some well applied make-up, a bit of a fake limp, and some awkward moaning you can totally blend in and completely avoid the carnage. You won't pull that crap with a vampire. They can smell the blood pumping through your veins, teasing them like a flash of thigh through the slit of a skirt. Second, they are slow. And don't give me that nonsense about those fake zombies in the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" that were sprinting everywhere like they were a whole pack of Usain Bolts. Everybody knows that real zombies don't get anywhere quickly. Even though they travel in packs of thousands upon thousands, the make-up, limping, and awkward moaning will get you to the clearing. After that a quick sprint will have you out of harm's way. Again, try to pull that crap with a vampire. You can't move fast enough. Not even if you are Usain Bolt.
Okay, up to this point we've covered dumb and slow. Those two things alone bury zombies right back in their waiting graves when comparing them with vampires, and I'm not even done. This one is completely obvious. You can totally see a zombie, or several zombies coming. They don't surprise you. They lumber up like a big, slow, lumbering, decaying dead thing and try to gnaw on you. You can literally see them coming from blocks and blocks away. Unless you're staring at your phone, then you're screwed. However, if you are even moderately aware of your surroundings, you can totally avoid any contact with the undead at all. You don't see vampires coming. You don't see a vampire until they want you to see them and at that point, you're already as good as dead - or undead if they turn you instead of completely consuming you. Like big cats vampires are hunters. They stalk their prey, even toy with it, for hours, days, sometimes weeks even before they make the kill. The helpless victims don't stand a chance. And don't even get me started on the seduction part of it. Zombies are ugly and grotesque. You know by looking at them that you don't want them near you. Vampires on the other hand are sexy and seductive. By the time they are ready to sink their fangs into your delicious pulse, you want them to suck on your neck. Now that is unbelievably scary!
Finally, I'll end my rant with this last point. Blunt force trauma to the head can kill a zombie. They are far too easy to kill. Even if you're half a chickenshit, you probably have enough balls to kill yourself some zombies. You'll need balls at least the size of that big ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas if you're thinking about trying to take out a vampire. On top of those giant balls that are really going to slow you down, you're going to need a whole slew of equipment, knowledge of where the bloodsucker hangs his cape, a really, really good plan, and a whole lot of luck. Even with all of that, you're probably going to be sucked dry.
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