The only bad dreams are those not worth chasing.
TheMikeReynolds.com
  • Home
  • Bookshelf
    • Lake of Dragons >
      • Kill the Dragon >
        • About Kill the Dragon
      • Kallum's Fury >
        • About Kallum's Fury
      • Kill the Gods >
        • About Kill the Gods
    • Hell and the Hunger >
      • About Hell and the Hunger
      • The Players
    • Stiletto Rose >
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 1
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 2
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 3
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 4
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 5
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 6
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 7
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 8
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 9
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 10
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 11
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 12
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 13
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 14
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 15
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 16
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 17
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 18
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 19
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 20
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 21
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 22
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 23
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 24
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 25
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 26
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 27
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 28
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 29
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 30
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 31
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 32
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 33
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 34
      • Stiletto Rose - Chapter 35
  • About Mike
  • Musings - Mike's Blog
  • Old News - The Archives
  • Contact Mike
  • Mike's Reviews
    • Review - The Fine Line
    • Review - Rising Tide: Dark Innocence
    • Review - The Apocalypse Begins
    • Review - Superhighway
    • Review - Morium
    • Review - Wren
    • Review - Saving Wihe
    • Review - Black Easter

Zombies and Vampires

7/15/2014

3 Comments

 
I tweeted a comment about vampires being more frightening than zombies. I can't remember exactly how it went. It was something like, "Sure, zombies are kind of scary but they've got nothing on my vampire." It was intended to be whimsical, perhaps just a reason to hashtag zombies and vampires in the same tweet. Like many of the silly things that pop into my head, it got me thinking. I'm not just talking about casually tossing the idea around either. I'm talking about incessantly mulling the concept over in my head. I do that sometimes, put a whole bunch of thought into something that doesn't have a ton of value. Anyway, at the end of the day vampires are way more frightening than zombies.

I realize that zombies are wildly popular right now as people prepare for the zombie apocalypse when the dead rise from their graves and stumble about like a bunch of drunk, homeless people looking for brains to eat so the idea that anything is more frightening than a walking corpse may draw some disagreement. Holy sentence batman! That was a long one. Anyway, I have good reasons to carry this opinion. First of all, zombies are dumb. They are far to easy to trick. Sure, if they get their hands on you a whole throng of them will eat your brains, rip your limbs off, and probably pull your intestines out. However, with some well applied make-up, a bit of a fake limp, and some awkward moaning you can totally blend in and completely avoid the carnage. You won't pull that crap with a vampire. They can smell the blood pumping through your veins, teasing them like a flash of thigh through the slit of a skirt. Second, they are slow. And don't give me that nonsense about those fake zombies in the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" that were sprinting everywhere like they were a whole pack of
Usain Bolts. Everybody knows that real zombies don't get anywhere quickly. Even though they travel in packs of thousands upon thousands, the make-up, limping, and awkward moaning will get you to the clearing. After that a quick sprint will have you out of harm's way. Again, try to pull that crap with a vampire. You can't move fast enough. Not even if you are Usain Bolt.

Okay, up to this point we've covered dumb and slow. Those two things alone bury zombies right back in their waiting graves when comparing them with vampires, and I'm not even done. This one is completely obvious. You can totally see a zombie, or several zombies coming. They don't surprise you. They lumber up like a big, slow, lumbering, decaying dead thing and try to gnaw on you. You can literally see them coming from blocks and blocks away. Unless you're staring at your phone, then you're screwed. However, if you are even moderately aware of your surroundings, you can totally avoid any contact with the undead at all. You don't see vampires coming. You don't see a vampire until they want you to see them and at that point, you're already as good as dead - or undead if they turn you instead of completely consuming you. Like big cats vampires are hunters. They stalk their prey, even toy with it, for hours, days, sometimes weeks even before they make the kill. The helpless victims don't stand a chance. And don't even get me started on the seduction part of it. Zombies are ugly and grotesque. You know by looking at them that you don't want them near you. Vampires on the other hand are sexy and seductive. By the time they are ready to sink their fangs into your delicious pulse, you want them to suck on your neck. Now that is unbelievably scary!

Finally, I'll end my rant with this last point. Blunt force trauma to the head can kill a zombie. They are far too easy to kill. Even if you're half a chickenshit, you probably have enough balls to kill yourself some zombies. You'll need balls at least the size of that big ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas if you're thinking about trying to take out a vampire. On top of those giant balls that are really going to slow you down, you're going to need a whole slew of equipment, knowledge of where the bloodsucker hangs his cape, a really, really good plan, and a whole lot of luck. Even with all of that, you're probably going to be sucked dry.
3 Comments
Teege
7/15/2014 08:46:02 pm

Interesting perspective. Although The Walking Dead defeats the thesis, there are some who say liberals fear zombies, conservatives fear vampires.

http://www.cracked.com/article_19402_6-mind-blowing-ways-zombies-vampires-explain-america.html

Reply
Mr.skanky
7/16/2014 05:27:01 am

Teege how does walking dead disprove his points? The zombies on the show are exactly what the author said they were so your point college boy, is wildly unfounded.

Reply
Mike Reynolds link
7/16/2014 01:36:58 am

Interesting article. I do love vampires mostly because they are immoral, sexual deviants. That's way more fun than mindless zombies.

I've never watched The Walking Dead <gasp> but based on the fact that there is a show, I'm assuming that there are survivors. That really isn't important either though. If we take this liberal vs. conservative angle that you've proposed, we strengthen the argument that vampires are scarier than zombies. Why? Because conservatives tend to be afraid of things while liberals tend to be amazed by them. Conservatives would like to try to kill it while liberals want to understand it. Therefore, if you look at each base those who fear the vampire are really afraid, while those who fear the zombie probably don't fear it at all. They probably just want to understand it, maybe study it, learn everything they can about it, and then try to come up with a way that we can all live together in peace. They would be like, "Come here buddy, let's see if we can't find you some brains to gnaw on."

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Me

    This is my playground...the place where I let all the weird stuff in my head come out.

    Archives

    November 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    May 2019
    September 2016
    August 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014

    Categories

    All
    About The Author Interviews With Storytellers
    About The Author - Interviews With Storytellers
    Free Reading
    Random Thoughts
    Stiletto Rose
    The Witch In My Head
    Updates From The Lake

    RSS Feed

Copyright ©2020 Mike Reynolds, All Rights Reserved